Black Lives Matter

First and foremost, I support Black Lives Matter.

My heart is breaking and I'm angry, and I've been sitting here with these feelings afraid to express them because I don't know how to support without the ignorance and unconscious ingrained racism in myself.

I see the righteous anger and I understand where it is coming from and honestly, I support it. I own my own racism and shortcomings in this fight. I have no real frame of reference of how people of color experience racism in their every day lives, but I know that they do.

I am angered by the righteous indignation of white people in reaction to riots and looting. I think the riots are fully justified. Black men fill our prisons while rich white men get away with human rights violations. The highest, elected leaders in our country condone and encourage violence against anyone who doesn't have white skin and those who stand by their side. We as a country ignore the internment of South American refugees looking for a better life for themselves and their children. We ignore the history of genocide against the Native Peoples of this land and the history of internment camps of Japanese during WWII.

Racism is so ingrained in our psyche that most of us aren't even aware of how we support it with our words and actions and our silence and inaction.

I am angry for the Black community and I don't do anger because I used to have an anger problem. I've worked hard over the years to process the roots of that anger and let it go. I've been successful for the most part, so I very, very rarely react to anything in anger anymore. I'm very good at seeing both sides of any situation and able to empathize or sympathize with both - I usually feel sad and pity for those who hate. Not this time. I'm angry. I'm angry that fellow human beings are being treated so very differently, not based on actions or who they are, but because they have skin that is a different color.  I've felt this anger for a long time, but have ignored it and tried to pretend it wasn't present, but now I own it.

Since the most recent depressive episode ended, I've been doing a lot of soul searching and looking at how I interact with the world especially via social media, most specifically FaceBook. I'm usually quick to jump on the bandwagon of visual support of causes that are important - putting a frame on my profile picture - sharing images. I can't even bring myself to do this right now because the gesture seems so very empty and useless. I just don't know what to do right now.

It seems it should be simple - use my voice to speak out. But I don't want to say the wrong thing. I don't want to hurt my friends in the Black Community or any of the other people of color in my micro universe.

I don't know how to move forward. Vote, I know, but what good does that really do? The last few years it doesn't seem to help at all. The status quo is fighting hard to stay in control and is using every venue available to them to do it including trying to bend and break the system to keep their power.

My words mean little, my feelings in this situation are unimportant, but I can't remain silent.

To my fellow human beings, specifically the Black Community, I see you, your anger is justified, and for what it's worth I support you. I know it's not much, but I will work to be better. I'll read and try to educate myself and if nothing else do my best to not contribute to the problem.....

because,

Black Lives Matter