Life in Stasis

I've gained more weight, I'm not sleeping well, I'm finding very little pleasure in my usual activities, and I just can't stop eating the things I know I shouldn't.

All are indications of depression, but they are also signs of grief. My daughter's 16th birthday was yesterday and my mom wasn't here. That's reality - that's life - it goes on even without the ones we've lost. It's how it's meant to be and yes it's only natural that days like holidays and birthdays will bring some of that grief back to the surface.

I feel myself slipping back into that dark place again. I feel like depression is going to win and that there is nothing I can do about it. I'm so exhausted and sad, that I'm not sure I want to do anything about it anymore. I feel as though I'm fighting a battle I'm destined to lose and there is nothing I can do about it.

I don't like being like this, but at the moment I feel completely powerless in every way. I HATE this. I hate the depression, I hate the addiction, I hate the grief, I hate the overwhelming guilt and embarrassment. I don't want to ever leave the house again - I don't want people to see me.

Self love has left the building.

I'm questioning everything I know about myself and I feel flayed open with all my insecurities and failings exposed - all my confidence and assets fled.

So, I have to ask myself, is this grief or depression?

My answer?.......

I don't know.