Life in Stasis

I've gained more weight, I'm not sleeping well, I'm finding very little pleasure in my usual activities, and I just can't stop eating the things I know I shouldn't.

All are indications of depression, but they are also signs of grief. My daughter's 16th birthday was yesterday and my mom wasn't here. That's reality - that's life - it goes on even without the ones we've lost. It's how it's meant to be and yes it's only natural that days like holidays and birthdays will bring some of that grief back to the surface.

I feel myself slipping back into that dark place again. I feel like depression is going to win and that there is nothing I can do about it. I'm so exhausted and sad, that I'm not sure I want to do anything about it anymore. I feel as though I'm fighting a battle I'm destined to lose and there is nothing I can do about it.

I don't like being like this, but at the moment I feel completely powerless in every way. I HATE this. I hate the depression, I hate the addiction, I hate the grief, I hate the overwhelming guilt and embarrassment. I don't want to ever leave the house again - I don't want people to see me.

Self love has left the building.

I'm questioning everything I know about myself and I feel flayed open with all my insecurities and failings exposed - all my confidence and assets fled.

So, I have to ask myself, is this grief or depression?

My answer?.......

I don't know.

Depression, obesity, and family

My most recent major depressive episode is over and done with, but - I really hate that but - it's never really gone. Outside of those major episodes, I have what I call blips. Just a few days of feeling depressed. Sometimes there's a trigger and those I "label" "regular people depression" - you know the kind of everyday, "I feel depressed" kind of feeling just about everyone feels once in a while. And sometimes, there is no really discernible trigger - I'm just depressed - like a major episode only smaller. Luckily, usually they only last a few days at most and I can manage to get back on track pretty quickly. Reading, music, and bingeing series and movies on Netflix, YouTube, or Amazon Prime Video all get me through those times. Unfortunately, I also turn to my old frenemy sugary foods for comfort, in spite of knowing that not only won't it help, it'll make things worse. The depression blips blind me to reality and my addiction convinces me that it will really help this time. Those triggered blips don't usually end up with sugar binges, just the ones with no discernible triggers. This is the reality of living with depression - it never fully goes away, it's alway lurking waiting, ready to pounce at any minute. I use my tools when I can and just work my way through when I can't.

Obesity is a HUGE factor in my depression these days. My physical limitations caused by my size and health are a GIANT trigger for those blips and those blips though assigned to a trigger, can quickly escalate to a "more than regular people depression" - not on the scale of a full blown depressive episode, but still a few days of set back, sometimes even as much as a couple of weeks. This of course does not help my physical healing at all, but I'm working on it in therapy.

Now, through it all my family is my rock and I'm theirs. I'm the foundation stone that this family is built on with my marriage being the rest of that foundation. My children, with all their shortcomings, mistakes, idiosyncrasies, etc are my pride and my joy. They with their father, support me when I'm in the dark and are oh so very patient with me every step of the way. All this stems from my support and love for the 3 of them. We hold each other up while at the same time I gently guide and release my children in their growing independence. We enjoy each other's company, my children and I, they and their father are my favorite people (even when they are not at their best ;) ). All in all, considering my children grew up with a fat to the point of obesity, depressed mother - they turned out pretty great. My marriage is rock solid - we have our problems, but we work through them and love each other through it all.

I guess what I want to say is that as challenging as living with depression and obesity, the Universal Divine has seen fit to gift me with a beautiful blessing in my family. They have my back, even when I'm having trouble doing the same for them. They are the only ones I can really pull it together for when the darkness is so thick I can't see my way out - their needs become a spot light where I can function to support, guide, or help them through whatever it might be.

Blessed - that's me.

The Journey of Transformations

  

I'm like a butterfly currently in my chrysalis waiting to be reborn. My feet are currently planted on the most current path of my journey in the darkness of the womb surrounded by the transformative energies of nature. This often happens for me after a significant depressive episode and I'm currently emerging from just that. 

This latest episode of depression and anxiety lasted a little over 2 years. There were periods of light in that darkness - sometimes mere moments, but they kept my hope alive and me going with the help of my therapist and the support of my family. I'm in a better place along this journey and am finally feeling strong enough to use my tools and do my work. I've re-engaged with my spirituality, begun working with a couple new decks, started journaling again, I've been trying to write, and enjoying my hobbies.

This recent depressive episode began with the last election and the societal fallout that has occurred since. Just as things started to get better in my mind 3 or 4 months after that election, my mom died and the process of grief took hold. It's been a 2 year journey of grief and depression - of therapy sessions and love from my family. It feels so wonderful to be feeling like myself again.

I just realized, while writing this, that the Universal Divine is calling me to see each depressive episode as a chance for transformation and rebirth. It's good to be emerging into the light of a new beginning of sorts. This is a new way of looking at my depression for me. It's always been a mountain to overcome or a dark place to find some light in/ a light at the end of the tunnel, never anything positive. The process is painful at times, but now when I start to feel another episode coming on, I'll have a new way to look at it. The reality is that statistically speaking every depressive episode raises the probability of another - this a truth I've learned to live with, so this new framework is hopeful.

So now I look forward. 

The last vestiges of depression and anxiety are all caused by my body. My obesity, my sugar addiction, and all the symptoms that go along with that and they are many are what is currently holding me back from living the life I want - the one I deserve. The reality of obesity isn't pretty and I'm talking morbid obesity - at last weighing, I was a bit over 350 lbs. I NEVER thought I be in a body like this. I'm on 2 high blood pressure medications, an insulin resistant diabetes medication, 3 prescription medications for depression and anxiety, and 2 vitamin supplements - D and iron. I take 5 pills in the morning with breakfast, 1 at 1PM, 1 at dinner time, and 6 at bedtime. The withdrawal symptoms when I skip sugary foods for a day is overwhelming. My back always hurts so bad I can barely walk and just walking across the house makes me lose my breath. My feet swell, tingle, and hurt anytime they are not elevated. My joints ache constantly, especially my hips. I need help putting on socks and shoes - sometimes even my underwear and pants. I need to sit when I shower. I think I may have sleep apnea because I sleep better sitting up and tend to only sleep in catnaps - each period of sleep usually lasts no more then 2 hours or so - I get excited about 4 hours straight of sleep and it gets bad enough that I often can't keep my eyes open in the afternoons, no matter how hard I try. Leaving the house is really really difficult for me physically and mentally. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed. My self image is in the toilet.

But........

I have 2 incredible children (though one's an adult now and the other a teen) that love me and see me as their favorite person in the world. My daughter calls me her best friend and I am my adult son's confidant and support system. I have a husband who is my soulmate and my beloved in all ways, he's my best friend. I have a therapist who knows me better than I often know myself and that I have a lot in common with and who gets food/sugar/general addiction. I have insurance that covers most of the cost of my medications and therapy. I have a home, a little house in the woods that my beloved bought for me. I have 2 dogs that though a bit socially inept, love me to bits. I have tools and an online community that supports and loves me. I have a couple good friends that love me unconditionally. 

So, yes, obesity is hard and I'm often look down upon by society, but oh, am I blessed.

I'm not a big New Year's Resolutions type of person, but I do have some goals for 2019.

1. driving myself to therapy regularly 

2. going to my food addict group regularly 

3. going to my writers' group every month

4. writing daily as if it were my job

5. publishing at least 1 book

6. continue journaling and working with my decks

7. ditching sugar and carbs

8. moving my body daily

9. traveling a bit

10. getting physically strong enough to enjoy my 50th

I guess they could be seen as a lot, but I think they are attainable with help from my family, friends, community, and therapist. Above all of these though, the one biggest goal is to move beyond shame and find that elusive self love I've been searching for for years.

Self love - here I come.