My most recent major depressive episode is over and done with, but - I really hate that but - it's never really gone. Outside of those major episodes, I have what I call blips. Just a few days of feeling depressed. Sometimes there's a trigger and those I "label" "regular people depression" - you know the kind of everyday, "I feel depressed" kind of feeling just about everyone feels once in a while. And sometimes, there is no really discernible trigger - I'm just depressed - like a major episode only smaller. Luckily, usually they only last a few days at most and I can manage to get back on track pretty quickly. Reading, music, and bingeing series and movies on Netflix, YouTube, or Amazon Prime Video all get me through those times. Unfortunately, I also turn to my old frenemy sugary foods for comfort, in spite of knowing that not only won't it help, it'll make things worse. The depression blips blind me to reality and my addiction convinces me that it will really help this time. Those triggered blips don't usually end up with sugar binges, just the ones with no discernible triggers. This is the reality of living with depression - it never fully goes away, it's alway lurking waiting, ready to pounce at any minute. I use my tools when I can and just work my way through when I can't.
Obesity is a HUGE factor in my depression these days. My physical limitations caused by my size and health are a GIANT trigger for those blips and those blips though assigned to a trigger, can quickly escalate to a "more than regular people depression" - not on the scale of a full blown depressive episode, but still a few days of set back, sometimes even as much as a couple of weeks. This of course does not help my physical healing at all, but I'm working on it in therapy.
Now, through it all my family is my rock and I'm theirs. I'm the foundation stone that this family is built on with my marriage being the rest of that foundation. My children, with all their shortcomings, mistakes, idiosyncrasies, etc are my pride and my joy. They with their father, support me when I'm in the dark and are oh so very patient with me every step of the way. All this stems from my support and love for the 3 of them. We hold each other up while at the same time I gently guide and release my children in their growing independence. We enjoy each other's company, my children and I, they and their father are my favorite people (even when they are not at their best ;) ). All in all, considering my children grew up with a fat to the point of obesity, depressed mother - they turned out pretty great. My marriage is rock solid - we have our problems, but we work through them and love each other through it all.
I guess what I want to say is that as challenging as living with depression and obesity, the Universal Divine has seen fit to gift me with a beautiful blessing in my family. They have my back, even when I'm having trouble doing the same for them. They are the only ones I can really pull it together for when the darkness is so thick I can't see my way out - their needs become a spot light where I can function to support, guide, or help them through whatever it might be.
Blessed - that's me.
