I'm like a butterfly currently in my chrysalis waiting to be reborn. My feet are currently planted on the most current path of my journey in the darkness of the womb surrounded by the transformative energies of nature. This often happens for me after a significant depressive episode and I'm currently emerging from just that.
This latest episode of depression and anxiety lasted a little over 2 years. There were periods of light in that darkness - sometimes mere moments, but they kept my hope alive and me going with the help of my therapist and the support of my family. I'm in a better place along this journey and am finally feeling strong enough to use my tools and do my work. I've re-engaged with my spirituality, begun working with a couple new decks, started journaling again, I've been trying to write, and enjoying my hobbies.
This recent depressive episode began with the last election and the societal fallout that has occurred since. Just as things started to get better in my mind 3 or 4 months after that election, my mom died and the process of grief took hold. It's been a 2 year journey of grief and depression - of therapy sessions and love from my family. It feels so wonderful to be feeling like myself again.
I just realized, while writing this, that the Universal Divine is calling me to see each depressive episode as a chance for transformation and rebirth. It's good to be emerging into the light of a new beginning of sorts. This is a new way of looking at my depression for me. It's always been a mountain to overcome or a dark place to find some light in/ a light at the end of the tunnel, never anything positive. The process is painful at times, but now when I start to feel another episode coming on, I'll have a new way to look at it. The reality is that statistically speaking every depressive episode raises the probability of another - this a truth I've learned to live with, so this new framework is hopeful.
So now I look forward.
The last vestiges of depression and anxiety are all caused by my body. My obesity, my sugar addiction, and all the symptoms that go along with that and they are many are what is currently holding me back from living the life I want - the one I deserve. The reality of obesity isn't pretty and I'm talking morbid obesity - at last weighing, I was a bit over 350 lbs. I NEVER thought I be in a body like this. I'm on 2 high blood pressure medications, an insulin resistant diabetes medication, 3 prescription medications for depression and anxiety, and 2 vitamin supplements - D and iron. I take 5 pills in the morning with breakfast, 1 at 1PM, 1 at dinner time, and 6 at bedtime. The withdrawal symptoms when I skip sugary foods for a day is overwhelming. My back always hurts so bad I can barely walk and just walking across the house makes me lose my breath. My feet swell, tingle, and hurt anytime they are not elevated. My joints ache constantly, especially my hips. I need help putting on socks and shoes - sometimes even my underwear and pants. I need to sit when I shower. I think I may have sleep apnea because I sleep better sitting up and tend to only sleep in catnaps - each period of sleep usually lasts no more then 2 hours or so - I get excited about 4 hours straight of sleep and it gets bad enough that I often can't keep my eyes open in the afternoons, no matter how hard I try. Leaving the house is really really difficult for me physically and mentally. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed. My self image is in the toilet.
But........
I have 2 incredible children (though one's an adult now and the other a teen) that love me and see me as their favorite person in the world. My daughter calls me her best friend and I am my adult son's confidant and support system. I have a husband who is my soulmate and my beloved in all ways, he's my best friend. I have a therapist who knows me better than I often know myself and that I have a lot in common with and who gets food/sugar/general addiction. I have insurance that covers most of the cost of my medications and therapy. I have a home, a little house in the woods that my beloved bought for me. I have 2 dogs that though a bit socially inept, love me to bits. I have tools and an online community that supports and loves me. I have a couple good friends that love me unconditionally.
So, yes, obesity is hard and I'm often look down upon by society, but oh, am I blessed.
I'm not a big New Year's Resolutions type of person, but I do have some goals for 2019.
1. driving myself to therapy regularly
2. going to my food addict group regularly
3. going to my writers' group every month
4. writing daily as if it were my job
5. publishing at least 1 book
6. continue journaling and working with my decks
7. ditching sugar and carbs
8. moving my body daily
9. traveling a bit
10. getting physically strong enough to enjoy my 50th
I guess they could be seen as a lot, but I think they are attainable with help from my family, friends, community, and therapist. Above all of these though, the one biggest goal is to move beyond shame and find that elusive self love I've been searching for for years.
Self love - here I come.
